It’s taken me a long time and a lot of sleepless nights to finally understand the darker parts of my soul that come to visit me from time to time.As much as I wanted to pretend that they weren’t there,I couldn’t.I tried burying them, hiding from them and denying they were real..But they were always there, lingering just on the edge of my mind.For the longest time, I did the best I could battling the demons in my head that would be screaming at me and making me sad, mad or all of the above all at once.For everything I did when the sadness or madness came to visit, I never tried acknowledging or just sitting with it.I would fret, let it bother me and just tried to run away..And it never worked.All those feelings of angst and sadness would still be there when I came back.Until I learned to be okay with not being okay for a time..However long that would be.Only when I finally learned to own those feelings could I make peace with them.Only when I made peace with them could I finally begin to let them go.It wasn’t ever a fast or painless process..But it is finally lighter.One less burden to carry or beast to tame.It’s part of me and it may always be, I don’t know.I’ll never be flawless like the rest of the world tries to pretend it is..And I’m good with that.It’s okay not to be okay.It’s taken me a long time to understand and embrace that.Now, I’m not fighting the sadness and trying to deny the dark parts of me.I’m finally able to let them visit me however they show up..And let them go-However long that takes.Less sleepless nights and more happy times.Who knows?Maybe one day, I’ll finally have let them go altogether.But until then, I’ll just do the best I can with what I have.I can do now what I never could:Smile at all those thoughts..And that’s been a long time coming.It’s amazing what a little peace of sunshine and peace can do for a person, isn’t it?
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